Here comes a special article that will annouce my transition from "writing about movies only" to "writing about movies and other things that i find refreshing or terrible". Movie 43 made me decide to make this odd transition. You must wonder why. Well, dear reader, one thing there is to know is that humour has a very special and important place in my heart. Humour is everything, I hate unfunny people, I automatically presume that they are stupid and useless and I do not talk to them. Kinda Hitlery might you say but I am comfortable with that statement and I hope you are too.
So now that you know what humour means to me, you must know that Movie 43 is the most useless movie I have seen this year. It was supposed to be a comedy with a lot of sex and a lot of off the chain situations. And I felt sad after watching this piece of trash. Sad because I had just wasted 2 hours of my life for this movie. Sad because Justin Long and Emma Stone are hilarious and even they were disgusting in it. Sad because Kate Winslet, Liev Schreiber, Naomie Watts and Uma Turman are wonderful actors and they ridiculed themselves here for the purpose of NOTHING.
So I decided to give you all the pitches of the short movies that form this "masterpiece" because it is even worse when somedy tells is to you. I should warn you though, you are probably going to want to watch this movie afterwards because it is indeed very surprising but trust me, it is not worth your money …
I here present to you, MOVIE 43 :
From the not so great minds of Elizabeth Banks, Steven Brill, Steve Carr, Rusty Cundieff, James Duffy, Griffin Dunne, Peter Farrelly, Patrik Forsberg, James Gunn (II), Bob Odenkirk, Brett Ratner, Jonathan van Tulleken and Steve Baker
"The Catch" : Beth (Kate Winslet) is on a first date with Davis (Hugh Jackman). He’s handsome and she wonders why this successful young man is stilll single. Little did she know that is has in fact enormous balls on his neck …
"Homeschooled" : Samantha (Naomi Watts) and Robert (Liev Schreiber) have a son that they have always homeschooled. They have friends over and they explain to them how his whole education works. Because they want him to experience everything a normal person would experience in a real high school they bully their son themselves. He gets grades, mostly bad ones, detention and he gets picked on by his own parents pretending to be his classmates. And of course, he got his first kiss and first sexual experience by his kind mother.
"The Proposition" : Vanessa (Anna Faris) and Jason (Chris Pratt) are very in love. One day, she comes to him with a peculiar demand : "Would you poop on me ?". Who wouldn’t want to experience this you ask ?
"Veronica" : Neil (Kieran Culkin) works at a supermarket and one day a special someone comes to visit him, Veronica (Emma Stone). It seems that they have a lot of history and they start arguying and insulting one another regardless of the fact that the mic is on and the whole supermarket hears them. They soon start to get horny and the whole fight becomes an erotic dialogue that will enchant the people who will help them get back together.
"Super Hero Speed Dating" : Fake Robin (Justin Long) and Fake Batman (Jason Sudeikis) are speed dating. Fake Robin seems to be a descent person, talking about his life experience in saving people’s life but Fake Batman always shows up and tries to make a fool out of him (what a jerk right ?). Fake Lois Lane (Uma Thurman) is here too, she explains that she broke up with Superman and he’s been stoking her ever since.And fake supergirl (Kristen Bell) tries to speed date robin but is also sent away by fake Batman who hides under the table during the date and, connected to Robin through a wire, describes her genitals loud and clear and she, of course, hears it.
"iBabe" : Boss (Richard Gere) is the creator of the ibabe, an mp3 player that looks exactly like a naked beautiful woman. There is a serious meeting at his company about a little issue with ibabe : some kids put their penises inside of its vagina and they get mangled because there is a vent over there. Boss doesn’t understand what the problem is and won’t put a warning in the box because other mp3 players don’t have a warning not to put penises inside of them.
"Middleschool Date" : Amanda (Chloë Grace Moretz) is at a friends house and she suddenly has her period for the very first time. Surrounded by immature boys and men (Christopher Mintz-Plasse is one of them), she’s creating a real panic …
"Happy Birthday" : Pete (Johnny Knoxville) has a very special gift for Brian (Seann William Scott) because he wants to make it up for having sex with his girlfriend. He captured a leprechaun that will give them a pot of gold. But the Leprechaun (Gerard Butler) is very rude and angry and will not be treated that way …
"Truth or Dare" : Donald (Stephen Merchant) and Emily (Halle Berry) are on a first date. To spice things up, they decide to play truth or dare only they seem to be two very deranged people and what they ask of each other is way beyond reasonnable. They end up having tattooed and botoxed faces and bodies, but hey, at least they had fun right ?
"Victory’s glory" : Coach Jackson (Terrence Howard) is briefing his Basketball team right before a big game. His only argument that makes him certain that they are going to win: "They’re white, you are black" ..
"Beezel" : Amy (Elizabeth Banks) and Anson (Josh Duhamel) are in love, but there is one thing that causes problems, Anson’s cat (who is a cartoon by the way). Anson loves his cat and doesn’t believe Amy when she tells him that not only his cat is sexually attracted by him but he hates her and tries to harm her !
"The Pitch" : This short film is present during the whole nightmare that is Movie 43. Some kids are trying to download a movie that has been forbidden in the entire world
And the only short film that i kinda liked is "Machine kids", that looks more like a commercial imagining that there are kids inside vending machines and copy machines etc. and that each time we ill-treat those machines because the brownie didn’t fall or the machine doesn’t work we hurt poor kids who are locked in the box trying desperatly to give us a coke or a well copied piece of paper. Best for last right ? …
That was Movie 43 in a nutshell. Don’t ever see it in the theater, download it, stream it, steal it, borrow it but do not pay for the massacre of humor, taste and ideas.